Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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