Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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