you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
