I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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