Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize