That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
