My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
