In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
