yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
