I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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