glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
