I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
