No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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