the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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