now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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