If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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