you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize