I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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