Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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