the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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