You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
