I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
