Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
