So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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