It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
