She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
