At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize