hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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