There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The air was thick with penises
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
