Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
