hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
