But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
