yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
