On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
