I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
