i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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