I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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