if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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