just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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