She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
