His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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