I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
