i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dick very happy bro
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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