If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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