she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
