that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oh god it's open bar.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
