I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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