She is in my trunk
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
