he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
