You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize