i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
