Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Still dying that you shit outside
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
