I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize