I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
