Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
