Just cropdusted the office
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
