According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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