Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just forgot I was standing up.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
