I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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