He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
