I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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