Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
