Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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