lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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