I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize