i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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