Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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