I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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