Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
